07 December 2014

One from the archives...

I was going through some old papers and found this one. Original author unknown, I just have it as a photocopy of a photocopy of a...

Drinker's Troubleshooting Chart

Symptom Fault Action to be taken
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet. Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of the face. Buy another pint, and practise in front of mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet cold and wet. Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house-training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulence is unusually high - may be due to darts match in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you're being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked by the Salvation Army.
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent light strip across it. You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has gone dim, you have a mouthful of stale chips and broken teeth. You have fallen over forwards. See above.
Everything has gone dark. The pub is closing. Panic!
You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it's opening time - if not, treat yourself to a sleep in.